Psych!!!

When we were kids & pulled a fast one, we said, "Psych!" but didn't know why, and we spelled it "sike" on the notes we weren't supposed to be passing at school. Kids these days are missing out on the joy of note-passing since they just text instead. I don't think kids should have phones. They don't need them. When my kids get a job & can pay for them their selves, they can get a phone. However, I will still set rules & boundaries for them.

Jeez, just the title distracted me! That's not what I meant to talk about. My OB-GYN's office tricked me. I went to their website to see if my doctor was still practicing there, and I saw a tab that said "Request an appointment." Well, cool. That's easier than calling during business hours, which invariably makes my children want to scream at the top of their lungs.

So I clicked it, but of course you have to sign in. Okay, so I fill out the registration form. It's long; it requires insurance information, emergency contacts, basically everything that would be filled out on paper forms once you get to the office. So maybe it takes the place of all those paper forms? I hope so.

Done with that. I click "request an appointment" again.

No, I've got to also fill out the privacy policy form, which is just as long as the form I just filled out and asks for almost identical information. Shouldn't their computer program automatically fill out both?

Allrighty, I try again. Click "request an appointment." Hey, good. It works.
Click which doctor you'd like to see (the one that delivered my short people),
what day you prefer (the day of our standing playdate so i can drop off kids somewhere else - they don't need to see me in stirrups),
AM vs. PM (AM for the same reason),
and which is more important - seeing the doctor you want or getting the time you want? (the doctor, - I don't need strangers looking up my cooter)
And would you be willing to see the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor? (sure, she's already seen my vagina)
Also, is there a special concern for this appointment?

I had to filter myself for this answer. I wanted to answer, Of course there is. People don't go visit the gyno for fun. There is always a special concern. Either a tiny person is growing in them, sucking out all their energy and making them incapable of remembering anything for more than two seconds and giving them gas that could float a friggin zeppelin; or their girlie parts are trying to kill them (which you would refer to an oncologist anyways); or it's time for a scheduled but hated checkup. Like a mammogram. As if anyone wants their titties smashed into pancakes so you can check them out. Or a pap smear. Just the name of that is revolting. But no one would choose to have salad tongs jammed up in their lady garden so you can go spelunking if they didn't have a "special freaking concern."

I think the humor would be lost on them. So instead, I wrote, "Had tubes tied, but I feel pregnant. So if I'm not, then something else is wrong."  That's clear & to the point, right?

Click submit.

This took at least half an hour to fill out everything.

Check back a day later to see if they had set up an appointment for me. There was a response: Please call our office to have the nurse work you in. You need to be seen ASAP.

So, that whole online appointment making thing... PSYCH!!!
Also, that whole 'tubal ligation is permanent birth control' thing... PSYCH!!! Hahaha! After 5 years, 13 out of 1000 grow back together - that's a worse failure rate than condoms! Hahaha! And you had twins while using condoms! And that was 5 years ago! I'm going to hyperventilate here! Hahahahahaha! I bet you're going to have triplets this time!  (Gasp!) HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  Awww, dude, we got you good. Whew.

So, um, yeah. I think I'm pregnant. This was not in the plan. Either that... or something else is very wrong.


***UPDATE - I just called and said to the girl that schedules appointments that I feel pregnant, but I've had my tubes tied, and they said online I should come in ASAP. She asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test, and I told her, "No, but it's been 5 years since I've been in, and something's going on in there, so I figured I needed to come in anyway."

She tried to mask the you're-an-effing-idiot-for-calling disdain in her voice, but kinda failed, and told me, "Well, you should take a pregnancy test and call us back so I know how to schedule it."

And since I'm nice, I sighed and said, "Okay, thanks," instead of, "Look, y'all will just give me another one when I get there, which insurance will cover; so why not go on and schedule it and save me the 20 bucks that I don't have to waste right now. I need that 20 bucks to go see Magic Mike with the girls next weekend. It's freaking Matthew McConaughey and that guy from The Vow and the guy from White Collar as STRIPPERS. Don't waste my $20 pleeeeeheeeeeheeeeease!"

Because that might have sounded pathetic. So now I've got to wait until my husband gets home and go to CVS alone. Otherwise, the rugrats will be asking, "What's that?" and "Why are you buying that?" And I'm not prepared to answer that yet.