Sunday, May 13, 2012

Lessons for Men #1

Why women have three wardrobes:

We have clothes that fit. We like them well enough. But they're never good enough. They taunt us with what we are and what we think we should be. We can look at every scrap of fabric in this section and say, "I have NOTHING to wear!" Because, next to this section of the closet is the second wardrobe:

The clothes we used to fit. Before marriage. Before kids. Before knowing that we'll still get a little sumpin-sumpin even if we never get rid of those last few "baby" pounds. (Even if the baby is now ten years old, it's still that kid's fault that we're soft in the middle.) We keep telling ourselves that we'll fit into those clothes again. We'll lose those last few pounds one of these days. We'll be hot again. Soon. But if we get rid of those clothes, we won't keep trying to lose the weight, because if we did, we'd have to buy a new wardrobe. And that would just be too expensive. So, if you want us to keep working on whittling away at that baby weight, don't complain about all those clothes we haven't worn in years.

Then there's that smaller section in the back of the closet. The clothes we loathe with a burning passion. They make us feel like ogres. They might as well be covered in pickled pigs' feet. The section that's smaller than the other two because we like to pretend we don't need it. Because those clothes are the next  size up. Uuugh. And, for some reason known only to God Himself, we balloon at certain times of the month. We feel like we'd be better off attaching a super soaker water gun up to our porky midriff and spraying all that excess water out all over. Perhaps we could assist the fire brigade like that? For real, WHY on earth do we retain water? Some kind of cruel cosmic joke?  Like God & Jesus said back in Genesis, "Let us make man in Our image, and let's make woman in a funhouse mirror image that changes as she walks around, just to keep her humble. Look, she's fat! Look, she's skinny! Now her belly's big! Now her thighs are! Wheee! This is fun! Because you know, as shallow as we're making these guys to be, something's gotta keep the girls from just treating them like annoying drooly puppies. Every 28 days or so, she's just going to get huge and feel like crap. That should do it. Remind her she's not actually a goddess. Can you imagine how she'd turn out if she thought she was as great as she really is? So this should do the trick and keep her from totally being in love with herself."
Well, maybe it didn't go down like that. I don't think God is all that vindictive. But it does seem to work that way, huh?

So, fellas, don't whine that your lady's got too many clothes. She can only wear a third of them, but she needs them all.

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