Sunday, July 29, 2012

I Am Sick As A Dog (a Daschund, not a St. Bernard)

I'm sick. And my four kids are just getting over being sick. Yee haw. Good times. Not.

I haven't been able to pull my big butt off the couch long enough to come tell y'all about my insane vacation. Oh. My. Crap. It was so full of crazy!

But I've managed to read Let's Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (the Bloggess) and The Help by Kathryn Stockett, and let me tell you - those are some awesome books. Two special kinds of crazy there.

Being inside Jenny Lawson's head is like giving rabid raccoons crystal meth and laughing gas. It is hilarious.

And the insanity of racial/ class/ gender discrimination described by Stockett borders on ridiculous. It made me cry several times, and I'm not a crier. I still see it from time to time, mostly among older generations, and I can't fathom how they don't recognize the crazy as it comes out of their mouths. But it's far worse in the places I've visited up North, for the record.

Anyway, I got on here to let you know that I'll be able to think coherently again in a few days and will post about the trip with my psycho mother-in-law. And I'll post more on my fiction works that I've abandoned for weeks.

(Crappiest blog post ever. Sorry.) Much love!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Road Trip Day 2

Awesome things we saw today: alligator, manatee, pod of 12 dolphins, humongous double rainbow over the ocean, Astronaut Hall of Fame, space shuttle Inspiration, & War Birds Museum.
Awesome things we saw yesterday: 9 foot alligator, 10-foot-wide 40-year-old bald eagles' nest, space shuttle launch platform, rocket launch pad, 5-story-tall garage for shuttles, talk from an astronaut, humongous Saturn 5 rocket, the lunar lander, a full-size moon buggy made out of legos, Apollo command module, Apollo mission control, a Mars rover, & a 3D IMAX movie from the Hubble telescope. They played on mission control simulators, flight sims, and lunar lander sims, and we touched a moonrock.
Crappy things today: Mother-in-law & husband fighting, me telling husband that her attitude must be where he gets it from, 14 year old acting like a turd (I guess that goes without saying) but off meds and paranoid, kids running off at the beach, rain while on a beach walk in normal clothes, finding out that my husband & son didn't follow the packing list & brought half the clothes they need, husband locked the keys in the van (no biggie, but it made dinner late & the MIL freak out like the Russians were invading), and the MIL acting like my kids were terrible and I'm a bad mom because at 10pm they were out of control because they were just getting dinner and were awake for 23 of the last 26 hours.
But the Kennedy Space Center is pretty dang cool! And tomorrow, we get on a Disney Cruise Ship.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Road Trip

We just drove 9 hours to Orlando. Me. My husband. Our four kids. My mother in law. (Sigh.)

We drove through the night. I objected, saying that it was a bad idea. They didn't listen. They didn't get packed and ready to go until 8 pm. 'They' being the other two adults.

The idea was that the kids and the crazy old lady would sleep.


But no.

The three youngest got a grand total of 3 hours sleep. They were miserable.

The 14 year old got 30 minutes. I might punch him in the face if he's a jerk today, since he intentionally refused to sleep.

I did threaten to punch my mother in law, but she's deaf. Every time everyone started to fall asleep, she would start talking. About pollops. And dia-rear. (She can't pronounce diarrhea.) And vomit. Please, God, this would be a good time for the Rapture.

The adults may have each gotten 30 minutes. Yay.

We're supposed to tour the Kennedy Space Center today and the Astronaut Hall of Fame tomorrow.

But right now, I'm sitting in the fine dining establishment Denny's (yick) with four hyper, exhausted kids that just ran out the door with the grandma. Gotta go!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Who need monsters?

We had a great day at the lake for Independence Day. My family joined my sister's family and our parents at my sister's cabin (bigger than my house) for a cookout and boat ride.

My 14 year old special needs boy tried jumping off the dock for the first time ever. He was thrilled. He kept yelling, "Cannonball!" then leaping with his arms and legs straight out like he was doing a jumping jack. He didn't quite get the mechanics of it. But he was having fun. And he rode the tube behind the boat, also a first. He loved it. (I'm so proud, but also a little frustrated that it takes him so long to try things. All those inspirational videos you see of special needs people doing something successfully don't show all the frustration and heartache that come before the success.)

My 5 year old boy was afraid to get on the boat. He's typically shy and cautious until he's really comfortable, then he's full-throttle. He's hilarious and awesome and so very adorable. But he was afraid when it was time to get on the boat. So I held his wrists and acted like I was going to toss him on to boat. "One... just kidding baby, I'm not going to throw you." My mom was mortified. My dad and brother-in-law thought it was funny. I am definitely my father's child. He was the guy who would quietly walk outside in the dark while I was playing in my room as a little kid and bang on the window just to scare me. I thought it was funny. I still do. But, perhaps my little sweet boy doesn't find the humor in getting scared a little. I guess I'll have to quit that.

On the other hand, his twin sister is fearless. She wanted to hang over the side of the boat to see the water better. She got mad that I held her in my lap. But when her cousins and big brother and sister went tubing, she wanted to try it, too. (It was the first time for my 7 year old girl, too!) It's the kind of tube that has the fabric bottom so kids can sit inside of it, but bigger people have to lay on top. So we decided to go together, with her sitting and me hanging on behind her.

It was a bad idea. Bad.

It started out great. She was a little frightened, but still laughing. She gave a thumbs up, so we went a little faster. She was still laughing. We got a few minutes in like this, and she was having fun. Then the boat turned. I shifted so we'd go outside of the wake. Fun for me, not for her. She wasn't laughing anymore, and did a thumbs down. But the boat driver didn't see, so he didn't slow down. Then we hit a wave and bounced. She sounded like she was crying and tried another fast thumbs down. He still didn't see. Also, I slid back some when we bounced, but I couldn't pull myself back up since she was right there. my triceps were screaming. My baby was crying, and no one on the boat seemed to notice.

So I let go. Easiest way to get my child back on the boat and not scared anymore, right? Wrong.

I didn't think to warn her. She thought I drowned.

As soon as I dropped off the tube, she shrieked, "Mommmmyyyyyy!!!!" and looked like she was about to try and jump in to save me, but the boat was pulling her away too fast and I could see the horror on her little cherub face as she turned to scream at the boat to stop. My family, of course, saw, and immediately slowed and turned the boat around. She was hysterical and I could hear her over all the sea-doos and jet-skis and boats, and all I could do was float there with my hand up in the air to try and be more visible.

My mom and sister, however, were trying to comfort her by yelling, "She's okay! She right there in the water, waving at you! She's fine! We're turning around to get her, see? Look!"

But she didn't look because she'd buried her face in her little hands to sob uncontrollably. And they were laughing at her. My mom and sister were laughing their butts off at how upset she was. And they think I have a sick sense of humor?

So the tube pulled up beside me and I hugged my little girl and reassured her that I was fine, I was just swimming, that I'd let go so they would stop the boat, then I helped pull the rope in to get her on the boat faster. Tears were still streaking down her cheeks. She snuggled in my lap, wrapped in a towel, then looked me in the eye and said, "Mommy, next time be more careful. That totally fweaked me out."

I really felt bad about scaring her that time.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I didn't feel any magic.

I just got home from girls night out, where a church friend and I went with some of her work friends out to dinner and then a movie. The hibachi was awesome, thanks for asking. Magic Mike... eh, not so much.
I was expecting maybe a story with the mindless fluff of cheesy dancing & some lovely muscles, but life-altering revelations changing Mike fundamentally and seeing him become a better man and fall in love and make a plan to change his life, and for it to all be awesome and fun and maybe even uplifting. Yeah. Uplifting, with male strippers. Yeah. I was being naive.

Like Michelangelo's David (or pretty much anything he painted - that dude was into naked guys), the human body is a beautiful work of art. We are God's masterpiece. Chicks are different than guys in that we can sit there and ogle a set of ripped abs and say, "Wow, that is beautiful." Much like a sunset. Or a mountain lake. Well, not exactly like that, but in the same ballpark.  Whereas guys will fantasize about doing very naughty things to the woman they're checking out (even days later, when they're not even intentionally thinking about it), we just don't. It's not how we're designed.

(Did that paragraph make me sound less hypocritical? I hope so. Because I'd totally flip if my husband went to see a stripper movie. And I know Jesus totally does not like this movie. I'm sorry, God. I disappointed you tonight. But I really am sorry. I'm disappointed in myself. I really didn't think it would be that bad!)

*spoiler alerts for the movie, but you should read it anyway*

So Matthew McConaughey in assless chaps and Channing Tatum in nothing and Matt Bomer in a cowboy get up was a sight to behold.

I guess that made it worth the $10 ticket... I guess.

I heard the plot sucked, but I was like Plot? What plot? Who is going to see a story with a plot? They don't even have to talk. I have seen Matt Bomer's torso and arms on White Collar, and I want to see them again. A piece of friggin' art, that man is.

But they devoted a LOT of the screen time to the plot. And lemme tell ya... bring a book. Or wait for the DVD to come out so you can skip half the movie. It was that bad. I mean it made me uncomfortable to the point of not even enjoying the guys' final act, because by that point, I was ready to leave. If I had driven my own car, I probably would have.

So much time was spent on showing how pathetic and shallow the guys' real lives were with all the drugs and sport sex, that Channing Tatum's character (Mike) hated it by the end as much as the audience did. And he'd brought a 19 year old boy into the life, who immediately got royally screwed up with drugs, while Mike was wishing he was respectable enough to date the kid's sister. The kid gets sucked in further, thinks he's having the time of his life, and Mike leaves. The end.

What?! Um, redemption story or something, please? No, they leave it with Mike telling the kid's sister he wasn't going to keep stripping & she's all take me to bed even though he just ruined her brother's life. As if.

EVERYBODY was like, "What? That's the end?!"

There's kind of the theme of drugs-are-bad, but they show lots of drugged-out sex and pathetic, stoned, barely legal girls with weird fetishes... and I just kept thinking, This is so so sick. And there are people really like this. What a horrible excuse for a life. What happened to these people to lead them to make such terrible decisions?

It was gross. And graphic. Porn-level graphic in my opinion. I don't know how this got an R rating, but it should have been NC-17.

And maybe that was their goal? Maybe their point was that drugs and wild sex F up your life. Period. You might think it's fun while you're doing it, but look! It's terrible!

Then, you look at them doing their act on stage, after seeing their life, and you're just like, Hmm, well, they've got nice bodies, but I can't enjoy it because they're so damn depressing.

Plus there was the ick factor of them making sure you knew that the kid was 19, and EW! He's a fricking kid! I don't care if he's all muscley and can serve in the military! He can't even legally have a margarita; why would I want to see him take off his clothes! He should be playing video games and bagging groceries, not dry-humping a fifty year old! Ew, ew, ew ew ew!

Channing T, Matthew M, and Matt B, on the other hand, all perfectly legal, all my age or older, all perfectly doable. I mean watchable. Like looking at sculptures that dance. (Matt B even wears a Neal Caffrey hat at one point - nice.)

Seriously, though. Bring a book for when they're not stripping. Or don't bother wasting your money. I honestly feel more guilty about watching the non-stripping parts of the movie than the stripping. It was that raunchy. Just, ick.