Monday, June 25, 2012

Gregory House is in charge of WebMD

Well, I go in in just a little while to get a blood test. So, in the meantime, I thought I'd see what WebMD would say that I have with their symptom checker.

**For the record, I think WebMD is fabulous when you have a diagnosis and want to know what to do about it.

My symptoms:
  • Aunt Flo is nearly three weeks late for her monthly visit. Last time she visited, she was a few days (maybe a week, I don't know) late, packed light, and didn't stay long.
  • I feel like I just received the worst titty-twisters on the planet...
  • Then got punched in the boobs.
  • Lower abdominal cramps.
  • Hip bone is sore.
  • Lower back is achy.
  • Holy crap I can't stay awake.
  • Jeez, I could eat a cow...
  • Unless I smell food, then I want to hurl. At the same time every day.
  • What was I saying? Oh, I can't focus or remember stuff.

I'm still convinced I'm pregnant & the test was wrong. Because the alternative is something like ovarian cancer. So I guess my WebMD search was an exercise in self- um, what's the word? Freaking the shit out of myself. (Figuratively. If you're a literal thinker, that phrase is disgusting.)

So there were about 100 results of what could be going on inside me. Guess where pregnancy was. At the bottom of the list. What? These are the same symptoms I've had with all my short people.

There results were, in order of likelihood (omitting a lot because you would get bored and I don't want to type that much) (This whole list makes me doubt the credibility of finding medical advice on the internet.):
  • muscle strain
  • menstrual cramps
  • heat exhaustion
  • irritable bowel syndrome
  • pulmonary embolism
  • panic attack
  • UTI
  • breast cancer
  • a virus
  • lead poisoning
  • acute kidney failure
  • ectopic pregnancy
  • labor
  • colon cancer
  • sinusitis
  • diabetes
  • pseudohypoparathyroidism
  • henoch-schonlein purpura
  • tick bite
  • bruise or contusion
  • cocaine withdrawal
  • postpartum depression
  • exercise
  • lack of exercise
  • hepatitis
  • mumps
  • narcotic abuse
  • restless legs syndrome
  • sarcoidosis
  • tuberculosis
  • bird flu
  • pregnancy
  • throat cancer
  • cat scratch disease
I shit you not.
So, I have a bruise, bird flu, cat-scratch fever, irritable bowels that aren't actually irritated, cocaine withdrawals, breast & colon cancer, ticks, and a baby that may or may not be alive.
And sarcoidosis, to make the list even more like Dr. House's white board. If only the list had said tuberous sclerosis, then it would have been JUST LIKE  House's board.

I guess I should put a bra and some shoes on and go get the blood test now. (Yes, I already have on shorts and a t-shirt.)

Maybe you could pray for me? Thanks.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hey! Leave a comment!