Saturday, February 11, 2012

My funny funny kids

I've got four kids. The boy/ girl twins just turned five, there's a 7 1/2 year old girl, and a 14 year old boy. Since some of you don't actually know me, I'll use their first initials instead of their names. I considered giving them nicknames, but couldn't think of good ones that weren't sarcastic. The girls would be easy, though. They already call themselves "Drama Queen" and "Prissy Missy." My little boy could easily be "Superman;" I already call him that anyway. But if you've ever attempted raising a 14-year-old, you would understand my difficulty with thinking up a non-pejorative nickname for anyone of that age.  So the girl twin will from here on out be GA (G for girl), the boy twin BA, bigger girl M, and big boy G.

But they keep me laughing all the time, and I thought I'd share some recent conversations with you.

I was teaching BA how to bathe himself, and got to his boy parts.
Me: "Now wash your tinkler & nuts."
BA: "I have nuts?"
Me: "Um yeah."
BA: "Coconuts?!"
Me, laughing: "No, more like peanuts."
I showed him where. Now, little boys are handsy with themselves, it's normal, so he was already hands-on.
So I said, "See how it feels like there are two nuts in there?"
He looked up, totally shocked, and yelled, "There's food ?!"

A couple of Sundays ago, I felt pretty good after a decent night's sleep. Minimal make-up, and liked how I looked. Then, getting out of the car for church, GA looked at me & said, "Mommy, I think you need to put on more make-up. You not lookin' very specially bootiful this morning." Why, thank you, child. I appreciate that.

BA: "Did Pontius Pilate live in a plane?" Me: "No, why do you think he lived in a plane?" BA: "Because pilots fly planes." 

Me: "GA, you're turning five in a month. You're going to have to learn to drive a car and get a job." GA: "OKAY!!!"

BA: "I don't like cats. They always bite me."
husband: "Why do they bite you? Because you taste so good?"
BA: "I always bite them then they always bite me back."

BA reached down the front of his pants like he was about to flash me... and pulled out a harmonica. Then he started playing it with his nose.

Me: "M, don't ring the neighbor's doorbell. She works nights, so she sleeps in the day."
M: "Oh, so she's nocturnal!"
GA: "I'm a turtle, too!"

GA was playing quietly in her room. Suspicious, I peeked in. She was in her closet, but not throwing toys out of the toybox like I expected, so I let her be. I just went back to turn out the closet light, and every single article of clothing she owns is in the closet floor. Hangers and all. Yay.

My girls were rocking out to Trans-Siberian Orchestra, trying to combine headbanging and ballet.

Mr. Potatohead thought Woody killed Buzz and shouted, "You murdering dog!" Confused, GA asked, "What 'dog' mean?"
Husband said, "Just dog. Woof woof."
She asked, "What 'murderin dog' mean?"
"Someone who kills people."
"Not people, Daddy. Toys. He killin' toys," with a DUH tone to her voice.

BA was wearing a navy blue polo, an Auburn cap, and a headset mic over the cap. He said, "I a football coach."

GA - "Where does Santa live?"
M - "In the Arctic."

BA: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
"Apple who?"
"I want apple wif my lunch."
Well, ok. I guess that was more fun than just asking for an apple.

GA: "I wish I could turn my eyeballs over and backwards so I could see my brain."

GA drew a picture, worked really hard on it, but I couldn't tell what it was supposed to be. So I asked what it was. "Mommy, it's called ART."

Hope I made you laugh!