Monday, February 13, 2012

This is your butt. This is your butt on drugs. Any questions?

About a month ago, there was a news story of Darwinism at work. Two adult brothers get arrested. In the back of the police cruiser, with the camera rolling, the older brother reaches down his pants and pulls out a baggie with an ounce of cocaine that he had hidden in his butt crack. He tells his brother he has to swallow it because if he gets caught with it, it would be his third strike and he'd go to prison for life.

Now, to me, the "You're my brother, so you should help me" reasoning only goes so far. "Can you help me with painting my living room before the Candlelight Old House Tour?" Sure. That's reasonable. "Dogsit for me?" I hate dogs, but okay.

 Swallowing something - anything - from someone else's crack absolutely crosses the line. Let's, for a minute, ignore the fact that it's a bag of drugs he's telling him to swallow. Mules do it all the time, so it must be safe, right? Let's focus on the butt crack part for now.

If my brother Charles came up to me and said, "Hey, I've got a key to Nathan Fillion's house along with a written invitation for you to come visit him," and proceeded to stick his hand in his drawers to pull the goodies from between his cheeks, I'd decline taking them. I know some of you will call me crazy (Jen, Sarah, Laura), but there'd have to be major bleaching and a forensic blacklight test done before I'd even entertain the idea of accepting even those most precious of gifts. Even still, I'd probably send him to Kinko's for a copy of the invitation and Lowe's for a copy of the key.

But it wasn't just, "Here's something with butt juice on it;" it was that, plus, "now put it in your mouth and swallow."

Anybody just ralph a little in your mouth? That's just nasty!

I'd have to promise Charles I'd visit him in prison. Three strikes or no, bro would be outta luck.

But it was drugs. How stupid do you have to be to do that? Seriously? "Hmm, that sounds like a good plan. If I get caught, I get charged with possession, maybe trafficking. Whether or not I get caught, this little pouch of Cling Wrap could rupture once it hits stomach acid and kill me. Sounds like a plan. Gimme your butt drugs. I'll swallow 'em! Anything to keep you out of jail, because you're such a stand-up guy. I love you, bro!"

Of course, the baggie did rupture, and the guy did die like an hour later. So Third Strike is facing manslaughter charges along with the drug charges and whatever misdemeanor he and his brother were originally arrested for.

(Shall I digress and make jokes about how deadly his hiney is and how that might make him a little safer in prison? Keep him from becoming some big guy's girlfriend? No? Okay, I won't.)

But, truly, this story is one they could make commercials out of. It is an honest-to-God story of how crack cocaine kills.