Thursday, February 16, 2012

Top Ten Things You Should Never Tell Me About

To the craziest person in my life, I have prepared a list for you. Keep it by your phone, and refer to it every time you think to dial my number. If what you have to say is on this list, DO NOT CALL ME.

10. Insults about homeschooling. My kid knows more at 7 years old than most kids do by 7th grade.

9. Insults about crazy new-agers who recycle. It's not a fad, it's just responsible.

8. Telling me that if I hydrate my kids enough, their pee won't smell, then I won't have to clean the bathroom. Water & a Febreeze spritz just doesn't cut it.

7. Your belief of how everyone is out to hurt your feelings. They are, but only because they can't stand you and hope you'll leave them alone if they're just as rude to you as you are to them.

6. Racist crap. You wanna really know where you can stick all of that?

5. Your giant pimple. Lalalalala I'm not listening!

4. Your husband's bowel movements. People aren't going to pity you because you (meaning your underpaid and overly-insulted cleaning lady) had to clean up after a 96-year old. It's your choice not to live in a nice retirement center that you could probably afford to buy.

3. Anything about self-pleasuring. I think I might hurl.

2. Your bowel movements. Why would you even think I'd like to know about that?

1. That I owe you because you buy us stuff and drop it on our doorstep three times a week. You're not fooling anyone, you're checking up on us; and I don't owe you anything, because gifts shouldn't have strings attached. Especially Dollar Tree crap that goes straight into the Goodwill bag we keep by the door.

And don't ask me about my health, because unless I'm about to be fitted for a toe tag, I'm fine.

And really, I'd prefer for my phone to not ring. I've got stuff to do, and if I have a minute to sit down, I'd rather be catching the newest "In the Lyfe" with Jon Heurtas than holding the phone far enough away to not hear your bull but close enough to hear you pause so I can say, "Uh huh," and "Huh. Really?"

And since you tend to just randomly hang up on people instead of saying "Bye," I just wait until I don't hear you anymore, offer one more, "'S that so?" to be sure, then hang up.  It's been almost 8 years of actually listening, but no more... and I don't even feel guilty about it.

Be happy. Feel the love.